My realization about a “golden bush” is somehow connected to my formation. I notice its branches webbed towards different directions, scattered and deformed. The best way to cut and form it, is to do it with all the patience, love and lots of sacrifices. In line with that, anyone who has the vocation to become a masterpiece out of a wild personality cannot but embrace a hard life facing prospects of being hurt and wounded along the way.
As days go by, as I experience the life in the formation, there are times I encounter difficulties – being far from my family, giving up all my possessions in life, adjusting to the different personalities, and resolving conflicts and misunderstandings. The most difficult, I believe, is dealing with myself; accepting the realities and issues in me; trying to prune those unruly branches which stem in me. Sometimes, I want to give up on this life. But when I remember my experiences on how God works in me, how He helps me, how He loves me, and the strong desire of my heart to be in the religious formation; the emptiness and hardship that I feel turn to happiness (because they become my inspirations.)
I want to share why the title of this article is “Darkness turns to Light” and how the “experience” made me strong, constant and inspired to continue this journey.
While I was preparing to enter the convent, I had many questions. But I was that excited to follow my heart’s desire, and I completely forgot about them.
One day a disaster came unexpectedly, I imagined myself lying inside the coffin. I felt helpless and totally hopeless, even my faith in God was tested. Every single day in my life I felt such pain physically, as well as emotionally and spiritually. That Sunday morning someone called up and recommended a doctor to me, my “fourth doctor”. At the doctor’s office I saw a statue of Jesus, I was looking at Him intently as the doctor was telling me to drink the medicine faithfully and believe that I will be cured. I did it. With all my innocence I asked a sign and prayed to Jesus: “You know what I’m thinking, You know what I want to be; You know what is in my heart. I entrust to you my life and if you want me to enter the convent and experience the life of a religious, please heal me, I beg you to heal me physically, as well as emotionally and spiritually. I want to enter the convent on this day or in the coming months. If I’m not well maybe that life is not meant for me. I will do all I can to help myself. I will accept whatever may happen”. And by God’s providence, three days before the date of entering the convent, I found out that I got well. I realized that God was after all a Loving, a Healing, a Great God and is the Light!
What I and my co-sojourners have to do is to be optimistic in the midst of all our difficulties and trials and believe that in God nothing is impossible.
I end this article with a poem I wrote:
~ Rogate ~
A word so strange and
A feeling unknown inside me
An eagerness was born and
A search begun in me
Oh! What a word and
A mystery to me
Questions overflowed and
A deep seated interest enveloped me
Trying to ask people around and
Yet something hinders me
Oh! What a hidden treasure to behold,
Waiting to unfold before me
Days and months have passed and
The word becomes clearer and clearer to me
Tears filled my eyes and
Realize that Jesus is guiding me
Oh! Rogate… breath in me, be with me
And live in me
Entrusting myself to be drawn and
To discover God’s plan for me
The journey within opens a new door
Between the Master of Rogate and me
Oh! What a heart ready to embrace
The least, the lost and the last including me.
Aspirant Carmela L Bulaay